10 ways to spice up your sex life!

10 ways to spice up your sex life!

It’s always good to spice up your sex life with your partner. A healthy sex life makes your relationship stronger.

Ever find yourself wondering how you can spice up your sex life? When you start counting the number of years you’ve been together with your partner in decades rather than years, you don’t need me to tell you that investing in your sexual life is a necessary part of taking care of your relationship.

No matter how steamy things are at the beginning of a relationship, if you two stay together for long enough, you will inevitably experience periods where sex will not be a priority. And that’s OK. In fact, it’s more than OK. You have to be able to relax with your partner and be yourself. Your sex life, like every other part of your life, will have its ups and downs. As long as you don’t let it flatline or you don’t go separate ways, there’s nothing to worry about.

Everybody is different and what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another, but over our years together with Xanderwe have collected a few tricks:

10 ways to spice up your sex life


1. Take some quiet time together

Sometimes you need to take time off from kids, parents and professional obligations to get in touch with the sexual being inside you. Before you can reach out to your partner for quality sex time, you might need to leave the parent slash busy professional slash troubleshooter aside for a while.

How can you get steamy in bed, while you are thinking of lost trainers, unfinished homework, grocery shopping and newly divorced friends? I sure know I can’t!

Take some time for yourself, even if it’s empty individual time at first. Be with yourself, read a magazine, take a bath, take a walk or just laze around. Once you have relaxed, turn your attention to your partner and connect.  Share your bath with them, prepare dinner together at home or just go out on a date, anything really. As long as you do it before returning to your everyday function mode!

With Xander, it often happens that, on busy days, we need some me-time to wind down first. It doesn’t work if we try to jump straight into action. Sex feels rather forced – as if it is something that has to happen – and that’s a libido-killer. It isn’t always easy to be honest about how tired you feel, but, in the end, it pays off.

We take some time to hold each other in bed and just talk. More often than not, this helps us relax and it’s not long before we get into a sexy mood. The upshot is that when we do get into the mood, we are there 100%

2. But first, take some time apart

Nothing works better for me than having to miss Xander for a week or so. This doesn’t mean I like to seem him go. But when this has to happen, we use it to our advantage. 

The first days we are apart I don’t mind it. I actually enjoy being on my own and eating cornflakes for dinner if I feel like it. After some days, however, I start getting anxious. I long to see my lover, to feel his touch. I start calling him more often and fantasizing about getting back together. By the time we see each other again, I can’t wait to get all over him.

Is it because of the imposed abstinence? A tantra therapist once surprised us by suggesting that a short period of abstinence may have a positive effect on your sex-life, in that it reignites your libido.

Or is it perhaps because through physical distance we take psychological distance as well and manage to see each other with fresh eyes again? According to Esther Perel, it’s this psychological distance which fuels desire.

I can’t tell you how it works but it works. By the time we get back together, we both feel like overexcited teenagers who can’t wait to have sex at the back of the car if need be.


3. Take up a sexy hobby together

By sexy hobby, I mean anything that turns you both on.

If cooking is your shared passion but you’ve never had time to devote time to it, now might be the time for it. I see you raising an eyebrow. How is cooking going to spice up your sex life? It makes sense though.

Sex drive is mainly between our ears. Sharing a passion with your partner can serve like a long (and really sexy) foreplay and re-invigorate your sex drive.

So, find out what excites you and your partner and get down to it. If you are into dancing, find a tango class to follow every second week. If you are passionate about movies, then that’s what you should be taking your partner to. As long as you two enjoy it!


While love longs for closeness, desire thrives on distance”

Esther Perel on desire


For Xander and me, one of our common sexy hobbies is writing. It’s something that we both individually have a passion for and doing it together is a bonding experience that makes us appreciate each other even more.

Whether we are taking a weekend on the Dutch coast only the two of us to write or whether we are planning to go to London for a creative writing workshop, writing is our thing.

There are also plenty of other activities we’d like to try out together but we haven’t gotten down to yet.

For example, we’d love to do a massage course together at some point -I just love the idea of learning new massage techniques and letting Xander be my “body”! We have also been discussing taking salsa dancing classes for ages now.

All plans for future reference I guess.


4. Try sexual roleplaying – a fun way to spice up your sex life

I see some of your cringing even at the mention of the word. Don’t let sexual roleplaying scare you off though!

Xander just published a post about our most recent roleplay and it’s worth a read. Roleplaying has vast potential if you find what feels good for you and your partner.

Sexual roleplaying should not feel forced and foreign to you. I know that the point is to pretend you are somebody else, but you still want to recognize yourself in what you are doing!

So, if you are completely inexperienced in roleplaying, I’d say take it easy and start with something soft, something that you have some affinity with.

There’s no need to make your first time a super production and scare your partner off with intricate uniforms, whips and cuffs.

Just tying your lover’s eyes with a silk scarf or a tie and forbidding them to take it off is enough to titillate your senses and make your love-making special. And then you take it from there, the sky is the limit!

5. Give your partner a sensual massage

You don’t need to be a professional massage therapist to give your partner a massage to remember. Your lover does not expect you to undo all the knots on his back and treat his scoliosis. Nor will he mind whether you open up every chakra or not.

It’s all about you taking the time and devoting all your attention to the body of the person you love and desire most. And – no matter how inexperienced a masseuse you are – fact is that you know your partner like no one else.

It’s your touch that means everything to your lover because it’s your exclusive attention that they enjoy more than anything.  

So, light up some candles, cover your bed with a hammam towel, take your favourite massage oil and then lose your clothes and spend some time rubbing your lover.

Take your time and enjoy the session. Spice up your sex life in a simple, relaxed way. Results guaranteed!


6. Visit a quality Tantra massage therapist for couples

Tantric massage -unlike many other forms of massage- doesn’t leave out the erogenous zones of your body. Although the purpose of Tantra cannot be reduced to genital stimulation and orgasm, the erotic aspect of physical pleasure is not a taboo in Tantra.

A good Tantra therapist will incorporate traditional massage techniques as well as guided breathing, body to body massage and stimulation to bring relaxation and build up pleasure in your body and mind.

Many tantric therapists offer massages for couples. You can usually choose between a massage for both partners -where the therapist treats both of you pretty much simultaneously taking turns to give more attention to one or the other partner- or a four-hand massage where the therapist will massage one of the two, guiding by example their partner to assist them at the massage.

Alternatively, you can find arrangements with two therapists treating a couple at the same time -Xander and I have never tried this though and I am not sure it wouldn’t be awkward for us.

We like to be in contact with each other during our sexual endeavours and we are not sure we wouldn’t feel separated if each one of us would be treated by a different person. 

Your first couple tantra massage can be a mind-blowing experience, provided you have done your research and found a good therapist.

Just make sure to have discussed with your partner what your boundaries are and the rules you want to follow for sexual experimentation!


7. Get a new sex toy to spice up your sex life

Xander and I don’t like relying too much on sex toys when we are having sex, it’s not really our thing. Sex toys, however, are a great way to stimulate your libido when it’s low and we do enjoy trying out a toy every now and then.

As long as the toy is stylish and functional, it turns us on and gives an extra dimension to sex. The market has a lot of qualitative toys to offer, you just have to take your pick and see what works for you and your partner! You can check-out some of our reviews here.

As for us, we love using our Velv’or cockring; apart from the fact that it’s a beautiful object, I find it electrifying to know that Xander has his cock ring on while we are having dinner at a restaurant.

I can’t stop thinking of the moment I will undress him to see it. I enjoy the feeling of it while we are having sex but more than that I love the intimacy of knowing he’s wearing it under his clothes. Same goes for a fancy pair of nipple rings I have myself and I know Xander loves seeing me with.

Recently we also discovered a new toy which got us all excited: Zumio, with its rotating elongated tip, is perfect for multiple area stimulation while having sex.


8. Try on new underwear

A friend of mine told me once how she prefers picking new underwear than buying new clothes. As implausible as this sounds -for women at least- I see what she means.

Wearing sexy underwear is like keeping a secret only you and your lover know. Surprising your lover with a new set of underwear for them is a great way to tell them: I love you, I am thinking of you all the time and I can’t wait to get in bed with you.

What’s even sexier to me as a woman is to choose a new set of sexy underwear for myself and surprise Xander with it. Quality underwear is expensive but when I do go for it, half the pleasure is seeing Xander’s jaw-dropping when he sees me for the first time. Priceless!


9. Go to a swingers club

I know swingers clubs are not everyone’s cup of tea. My guess is, though, that since you are on our blog you are not put off the idea of visiting a swingers club with your partner.

In fact, coming to think of it, I am pretty sure everybody has some fantasy that takes place in a swingers club, even if it involves just peeping around and having sex with your partner in the dark.

Visiting swingers’ clubs may sound scary. Maybe you are convinced that this is not for you or your partner, maybe you are intrigued but jealous or maybe you worry about your appearance.

Keep in mind that, as long as you choose the right swinger experience, no one will be pushy or impose anything for you. You don’t need to overthink this, you can just go and check out for yourself whether your fears are grounded or not. Whether you decide to go back or not- you will be incredibly sexed up by the environment for days afterwards!

Just make sure to have a good discussion with your partner about your limits and your rules of sexual experimentation. Don’t be discouraged if the discussion takes long or doesn’t lead to concrete results just yet. It’s a process and a positive one too, to nurture and expand your sexual space.

Oh, and if you need any help choosing the swingers club, take a look at our reviews!


10. Take your partner away for a sexy weekend

If you have the possibility to take a couple of days off, why not combine all of the above and take your lover away for a sexy weekend away? That’s gonna spice up your sex life for sure. Pick a city of your liking (check out our Sexy Weekends too if you need any ideas), book an elegant hotel room or apartment and set out to discover the sensual side of the city with your lover.

Spend a lot of time together, book a sensual massage and combine a sexy exhibition (in London we visited the Vagina Museum) or with a unique dining experience (in Amsterdam, we were thrilled by dark dining).

Oh, and don’t forget to take your favourite underwear and toys with you, because when the night falls you two are checking out the lifestyle scene of the city! Have fun and loads of sex!


Don’t forget to write below at the comments your own ways and suggestions to spice up your sex life. Me and Xander can’t wait to read about all the different ways that you have to offer us!

Photo credit: FreepikVideo: copyright Couple of Secrets 


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