5 reasons to cheat and why you shouldn’t
I can already see guys among you looking perplexed at their screen. ‘What? 5 reasons to cheat on your partner? Only? Seriously?’ Don’t get me wrong, I am not naïve. I know that both for men as for women there are probably a thousand different reasons to cheat. Anything ranging from resentment between the two of you and you feeling emasculated by her making loads of money. These are facts of life and I don’t claim we can control them. For the purposes of this post though, I’d like to concentrate on the five most prominent sexual reasons I can think of for men to cheat on their partners while being in an otherwise satisfactory, healthy relationship.
Ready? Here they come:
1. She is now in love with the baby/ new job/ next project and doesn’t even see me anymore
Rejection with a capital R. You still want her, you still get turned on every time she bends over to open the lower diaper drawers, but she slaps your hand and pulls away every time you are after her. It hurts. Plus, you are sexually famished.
That’s a tricky one. Which is why you have to be proactive. Be there for her, take as much workload off her hands so that she has more time to devote to herself and to her sexuality. And if she doesn’t, gently remind her that your sex life counts and forms the basis of your relationship. Don’t act only as a lover trying to seduce her but as her full partner who is there to restore the lost balance. You’ll be doing her and yourself a favour.
2. We are so comfortable together, it’s gotten too comfortable
For every beautiful woman, there is a guy tired of having sex with her. Isn’t that what they are saying? You know every contour of her body, every move she makes, what works and what doesn’t work on her. She knows what you need before you even register it. But the novelty has worn off. And it is itching.
Take a step back. Maybe you are too close to her and that’s not ideal. Just because you are in a loving relationship, doesn’t mean you should give up on yourself as an individual. Take a moment to breathe and let her breathe as well. You do not need to share everything, as long as you trust each other. Desire sparks off the moment you have the right distance to your partner. Neither too far, nor too close. The moment you see her casually putting on lipstick to go out with her girlfriends without you and you know there are going to be men looking at her. And that she will be coming back to your bed tonight.
Want to hear more about desire? Listen to Esther Perel on Ted-talks!
3. Your sex life is perfect, but, boy, your Yoga teacher is steamy hot
There is nothing wrong with your partner and your sex life, but you just cannot take your eyes off (certain) other women. It happens. It is even healthy. At which point were you supposed to stop being males and checking out women? At the end of the day, aren’t we women also checking out other men? Why feel bad about it?
Just know that sharing a sexual space means trusting your partner entirely, especially if you are into sexual exploration like Xander and I. The moment your woman doesn’t trust you any more, she is bound to shut down like an oyster to any prospect of sexual adventures. You are better off trying to include her in your fantasies rather than going solo. After all, a nice bum is enticing, but in the long run only emotional bonding and sexual complicity can keep you engaged and excited.
4. I dream of having dirty sex with her but am afraid to even propose it
She is so nice and pure and clean. She cooks so well. She takes care of the flat and your kids and always has fresh flowers in the vase. How can you possibly tell her you want to push her down on her knees and choke her while others are watching? She will kick you out, won’t she? The truth is, she might, if the channel of communication for sexual exploration and sharing your sexual fantasies is not open.
This doesn’t mean you are doomed though. There are alternatives to stifling your sexual space. Or leading a double life. Start by devoting some more time and attention to her during sex. Talk to her, see what turns her on. Get her excited and see where her fantasies take you to. It might take some time and effort but at least the two of you will start talking sex again. You might not be able to fulfil your every fantasy but that’s hardly the point, isn’t it?
5. We have drifted apart and have become just good friends
She supports you when you need her. You are always there for her. You make a hell of a team together. You respect and cherish each other. She is your best friend and nobody can come between you. But you find yourself secretly longing to fall in love again.
That’s a deadly one. My opinion? Try getting a bit adventurous together. Book yourself and your partner a tantric massage, take her to a swingers club, buy her sex toys and lingerie you’ve always fantasised about. Explore your sexual space at full, with the safety of the absolute trust you have established between you. And see where this leads you to. If anything, you’ll know that you have tried everything to save your relationship and not gone behind her back.