BDSM collars | Collared and committed
The world of BDSM and dominance/submission is largely unknown to us. So when Leja and Luka asked us to publish their guest post we were intrigued. We are always open to learning about new things, even if they may not entice us to try them out ourselves. We found the post of Spices of Lust very informative, and we hope that our readers do too. Feel free to comment below or to send us your feedback by an email. Aliki and Xander xxx
Guest bloggers Leja and Luka, from Spices of Lust, demystify the world of BDSM collars and why being collared matters
In many BDSM power exchanges, the most important symbol in the relationship is the collar. Submissives want to be collared by their dominants, and they grieve the loss of the collar when the relationship ends. Dominants take pride in collaring their partner and are heartbroken when it’s given back.
A lot of time and effort are spent selecting the right collar, finding the perfect style, and thinking about what it means. If you’re wondering what the big deal is, that’s okay. Collars aren’t for everyone. For BDSM newbies, BDSM collars can be a mystery. Here’s why it’s such a big deal to some kinksters.
What does it mean to be collared?
A “collaring” or “being collared” is not something all people in dominance and submission (D/s) relationships do, but for those that make it part of their dynamic, it’s a powerful moment. When a submissive partner receives a collar from their partner, it’s a sign of deep commitment to the relationship. For some, it’s a sign of ownership.
Many people who use collars this way in their relationship say it’s as important (if not more so) than a wedding band. To take off a collar once it’s been placed around your neck is seen as ending the relationship or violating the power exchange agreement. (Side note: this feeling does not apply to those moments when you have to remove a collar for health or grooming reasons.)
A collaring ceremony may or may not be how a submissive receives a collar. Some people prefer to keep things private. Others invite friends and their fellow kink community to a semi-public (invite-only) collaring event to witness this moment of deep commitment.
There’s no right or wrong way to be collared. It can be as simple as a dominant asking, “Will you wear my collar?” and a submissive agreeing. It can be as elaborate as a ceremony that mirrors a wedding — but often with very kinky elements added.
A BDSM collar is a symbol
While some kinksters use collars in kinky play or for specific BDSM scenes (it is common to see a collar in DD/lg or in pet play), many view a collar worn in public as something much more serious. Many submissives reach for their collar throughout the day and feel naked or lost when it’s removed, even if the removal is for a good reason.
There’s no single way to view the symbolism of a collar, and for many people, it means several things all at once.
Commitment: When a dominant puts a collar around their submissive partner’s neck, they are committing to their role. When a submissive accepts the collar, they do the same. Think of a wedding band or engagement ring. A collar can be an outward sign of commitment in a D/s relationship.
Relationship: For those in the kinky community who understand or are aware of D/s relationships, a collar is a clear symbol of that relationship. It’s easily understood that a submissive has someone meaningful in their life.
Power Exchange: For those who use terms like “ownership” in their D/s dynamic, a collar is a clear symbol of the power exchange relationship. Some submissives enjoy a collar for this reason, seeing it as a claim and a mark from their dominant partner that they can wear in public.
Regardless of the reason why a collar is worn, it can often be a source of comfort, joy, peace, excitement, and a myriad of other feelings for the submissive wearing it… and the dominant who put it there.
When the collar comes off
In a D/s relationship where a collar is a central symbol of commitment and the power exchange, removing a collar can be seen as a very serious act. Threatening to take it back or to remove it simply to upset your partner is manipulation and a red flag. Throwing it in a partner’s face in the heat of an argument can lead to a major rift in the relationship.
But collars can and do get removed when a relationship ends. It’s often difficult for both partners because of the symbolism. A submissive might reach for it without thinking and be reminded of the painful ending. A dominant may look at the collar and remember what was. The ending of any relationship, but especially D/s, can be difficult for both partners.
That being said, a submissive can withdraw their consent to wear a collar or be collared at any point and for any reason. Likewise, a dominant should never feel pressured to give a collar to their partner or to maintain a D/s relationship either.
Who gets the collar when it comes off? Typically, if a dominant bought and paid for it, they may get it back. But sometimes the submissive keeps it even if they never wear it again. As with everything in D/s and BDSM, it’s up to you.
If you want a collar in your D/s relationship, it’s important to talk to your partner about it. Make sure you both understand what it means to each of you. Even if you don’t think it’s a big deal, respect your partner’s feelings (if they do) and treat it with respect. Ultimately, what your collar means, what it looks like, or how you use it in your D/s relationship is completely up to you and your partner.
Photo credit: Collared woman: Adobe stock photos; all other pictures: Spices of Lust.
