Building a sexual space with your partner | Improving sex in your relationship
Building a sexual space with your partner is a guaranteed way to improve your relationship.
Improving sex with your partner can happen naturally if you build a sexual space. This is an environment where either of you can talk about sexual fantasies, express sexual preferences and even raise sexual anxieties without any fear of judgment. It is a space where you can be your true sexual self.
4 benefits of building a sexual space with your partner
Both Aliki and I have written about our sexual space before. Everything we do in our sexual journey happens within that space. Here are some reasons why building a sexual space with your partner helps improving sex in your relationship:
1. It improves communication
Building a sexual space together entails talking. And lots of it. Often it is about delicate and thorny issues. When you think about it, our sexual desires and challenges are some of our most intimate secrets. It is not always easy to present yourself (quite literally) naked to another person, even if that is your loving partner. Sex therapist, Esther Perel calls it a “new kind of nakedness, far more revealing than our naked bodies“. One way to do it is by taking it gradually.
-“Yesterday I had the most amazing sex in a long time!” my best friend told me this week.
-“And did you tell your partner that?”
He gave me a blank look.
-“I thought it was obvious…”
Not always, unfortunately.
Opening up can start with a chat about how great sex the previous evening was and asking each other what you liked most. The next natural step is to talk about what you would like to do differently next time. From there, it is a short step towards expressing your more ‘perverse’ desires. These could be as vanilla as oral sex or as kinky as partner-swapping or bukake.
The basic rule for building a sexual space with your partner, though, is lack of judgment. If you feel that your significant other might think of you as a whore because you crave double-entry or as a sex-maniac because you fantasise about a threesome, there is no way you are going to open up.
And bottling feelings up leads to frustration…
2. It eases pent-up frustration
There are few things more toxic to a long-term relationship than chronic sexual frustration. You feel misunderstood, upset and often experience your partnership as confined to managing kids and day-to-day chores. As a result, you give up on improving sex in your relationship.
That is where building a sexual space with your partner comes to the rescue. It creates a regular opportunity to vent out the little irritations and anxieties. But, more importantly, it makes you feel heard and, hopefully, understood.
Without a functional sexual space, a couple will probably relegate anything sexual to the bottom of the list: often, past bedtime, when both are tired. Very often sex ends up as a topic to shy away from rather than embrace.
And the less you know about each other’s sexual state, the more you risk growing apart…
3. It ensures sexual synchronicity
Sex in a relationship changes over time; mostly because we change ourselves. By building a sexual space you increase the chances of improving sex in your relationship in a more synchronised manner.
There are various aspects at play here. As we mature we become more confident and shed several of our teenage inhibitions. Our tastes change, including in sex.
Then there are the different phases of life. Whether it is pregnancy, child-rearing, work-stress or illnesses, your libido is bound to be affected. Not to mention that our bodies also change with time: be it hormones or backaches.
– “Baby, it’s not that I don’t want you, but physically I’m having a bad week.” Aliki told me very recently as she snuggled up to me and we kissed deeply.
– “It’s ok… I don’t mind cuddling up either from time to time, love”. And I truly meant it.
If your partner is not aware of what you are going through, you risk growing apart. He or she may even interpret the change in your sexual behaviour as a failure on their part. Keeping up a healthy sexual space makes you more attuned to how your partner is feeling and vice-versa.
And, of course, that mitigates the temptation to look elsewhere…
4. You get to do it all with your partner
I don’t know exactly why, but I often have the feeling that people find it easier to talk about sex problems or desires with third persons rather than their partners. Quips and jokes about marital sex life having dried up are very common amongst colleagues. With close friends, the freedom to pour one’s heart out is even bigger. “I would so love to have a threesome someday, but if I tell Phyllis she’ll freak out!”
Which begs the question: “Have you ever tried telling Phyllis?”
The problem is that talking to Phyllis about your desire to see her cavorting with another woman becomes very difficult if throughout your decade-old relationship you have not been building a sexual space.
The advantage of having open and non-judgmental sexual communication in your relationship is that you increase the chances of fulfilling your naughtiest thoughts in the best manner ever: with your own partner and in the safety-net of your relationship.
There is no need to have a partner at home and a lover next door for the sexy stuff.
The fulfillment of improving sex in your relationship
Ultimately, I believe, we all seek one elementary thing: fulfillment. We strive to realise our dreams and accomplish more. In our quest, we often mistake happiness with fulfillment: the former being a temporary state of exhilaration rather than a more permanent and deeper sense of satisfaction.
I can think of few things more fulfilling than knowing that your partner is not only your best friend and companion but also your lover and the object of your sexual desire. Building a sexual space with your partner is a necessary investment towards that achievement.
Sure, having a side fling comes with an undeniable kick. I have been there, and speaking from experience, it is not worth it. Let’s face it, when somebody knows you better (and presumably nobody does more than your partner) they can give you more personalised pleasure and deeper sensations.
As the old adage goes: “Sex is dirty. Do it with someone you love!”
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