Fantasizing about sex with your partner | Where are the limits?


Fantasizing about sex with your partner | Where are the limits?

Fantasizing about sex with your partner | Where are the limits?

Fantasizing about sex with your partner is a first step towards building a healthy sexual space in your relationship. But where do you draw the line? Which fantasies do you share, and which do you keep to yourself? And which escapade do you carry out and which one do you simply sit out?

Fantasizing about sex with your partner

Fantasizing about sex, alone

I was going to write that “We all have our sexual fantasies…”. But as a matter of fact, not everybody does. Psychologists find that a small number of people don’t fantasise about sex. These individuals are rare, but they exist. And I’m assuming that they do not read this blog. 

More commonly, people do not allow themselves to fantasise about sex. It could be guilt towards their partner, it could be shame about what they’re imagining, it could be fear of being ridiculed or a combination of any of these feelings. 

Such self-censoring is a big loss. Michael Bader says that a good fantasy states the problem and offers the solution. Whatever is prohibited or difficult in real life, you are allowed to explore in your imagination.


“Sexuality is instinct or biology. Eroticism is sexuality that is transformed by the human imagination.”

Esther Perel


Fantasising about sex with your partner is a way to do away with inhibitions. As you listen to your partner, you may start realising that there is nothing to be ashamed of. And there is nothing more liberating than opening up with your partner on your deepest fantasies and feeling accepted. It validates your sexuality. You feel whole. You get closer.

And in case you’re wondering, both women and men fantasise about sex. And while their typical top fantasies may be different, there is quite some overlap. So, throw away any gender misconceptions that you might have!



Fantasizing about sex, together

Let me share a recent experience with you. I have long had a fantasy of sleeping with a hot transsexual. There is something about the combination of femininity and masculinity in one person that I find arousing. I don’t know whether, if push comes to shove, I could act upon it. But it is a recurring fantasy of mine.

So, during sex a few nights ago:

“Baby, do you know who wrote to me today?”


“Deva. This gorgeous transsexual I met in Paris a few years back, at a party. Remember?” 

I had told Aliki about the amazing-looking woman and shown her pictures too. Yet, after I had blurted out the information, I got a bit worried. What if Aliki would have an adverse reaction?

“And what did she say, love?”

“She asked me if I wouldn’t be interested in meeting up. She’s gonna be spending a night not far away from here.”

“Would you like that baby?” 

Again, I paused. Opening up about fantasies is not easy, even if you’re used to doing it. Was I crossing a line?

“In my mind, yes. Although I would prefer it if you’d be there.” And I meant it. We always play together.

Aliki continued to ask me questions, allowing me to build my fantasy and drawing out what I would like to do with Deva. Needless to say, sex that night was terrific. And the great feeling stayed with me. I felt lighter, and I felt closer to Aliki. She was aware of my fantasy in all its details, and she knew that Deva had texted me. There was no secret between us. She had become involved in my fantasy. If I had to sleep with Deva with Aliki’s blessing, it would have been something we did together.

And you know what happened? The fantasy came more under control. 


“By closing off the conversation or reacting with disgust, we induce shame and guilt in the other.”

Esther Perel


Fantasising about sex vs acting upon it 

Now, fantasizing about sex with your partner is a great thing. But accepting your partner’s sexual fantasy, or even playing with it together, doesn’t necessarily mean acting upon it. At this point, I’ll pass over the keyboard to Aliki so that she can tell you how she lived the above episode.


Aliki’s view

I often have fantasies that I know will stay in the realm of imagination forever. For one, because I will not go into the trouble of organising the circumstances that will allow their fulfilment. I often fantasise of having sex with a woman on my own, but -much to Xander’s chagrin- I do not seem to be bisexual enough to arrange a date with a woman. I just don’t care as much.

And then there are fantasies which in real life would complicate things too much for me. For a strange reason, I find sleeve tattoos sexy on men, for instance. I cannot expect though to make indecent proposals to my all-tattooed colleague without giving Xander a heart attack or creating awkwardness at work. 

I don’t mind. These fantasies are theoretical, fleeting thoughts. I don’t need to transpose them to reality. I am living my big fantasy every night with Xander in my bed. The rest is just background.

Fantasizing with your partner about sex
The Deva fantasy

Xander’s fantasy to sleep with a transsexual is one I have never shared. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that my partner is open enough to consider alternative forms of pleasure. After all, I was the one who introduced him to the joys of anal play. I am proud of Xander for exploring beyond the traditional sexual macho role prescribed for “real” men. There is no moral judgement involved from my part. I just don’t get excited by transsexuals.

Maybe because I’ve never known one personally and didn’t have the opportunity to get intrigued by one, as Xander has. Maybe because, as a woman, I have experimented enough both with women and men and don’t miss the female or male element from my sexual repertoire. It’s easier for women in this sense to explore their full sexuality without judgement and prejudice.

So what do you do when your partner has a fantasy that you don’t share?

I understand the nature of the fantasy and what it means to Xander. It would be more delicate if he had a fantasy about a woman at work, for instance. In this case, I know what Xander gets excited about, and I respect it. By talking about his fantasy, I discovered some parts of it that get me off too. I saw pictures of Deva, admired her body and pictured the persona behind the glamorous appearance. I got excited by the fact that she flirted with my man. Above all, I had the feeling of coming closer to my lover by sharing another private part of him.

So, shall we meet Deva together? Or will I send off Xander for a date with her, while I fantasise about it and wait to hear the juicy details when he comes back home? That’s more a question of boundaries in your relationship and probably material for a next post.

In the meantime, do you fantasizing about sex with your partner?


Main photo credit: Fabrice  de  Bray. Inset photos:  Pixabay

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