Male sexual liberation | F*ck more like Johnny Depp and less like Bruce Willis
One of the things I have discovered over the course of writing for Couple of Secrets is that men are more than ever sexually liberated. This might sound like an odd turn of phrase. Usually we associate ‘sexual liberation’ with generations of women who broke free from the maxim that their role is to please men. It’s not, though. I truly believe that male sexual liberation is at hand.
Re-defining the Alpha Male
Men, just like women, have been indoctrinated by societies, religions and families about their sexual roles; about the need to perform, the necessity to always be the initiator in bed and, perhaps more subtly, the incompatibility of sex and emotions. As a result, whole generations of males dissociate sex from inner feelings and disconnect their sexual acts from what they really need and want.
We grew up believing that the alpha male never gives a moment’s consideration to emotional pain. Women fall to their knees in front of this aloof and tough-skinned man who cannot in any way commit, as his mind and soul are focused elsewhere. Hollywood has repeatedly legitimised this stereotype. Think Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris, Shaun Connery.
Fuck like Bruce Willis?
Let’s take Bruce Willis. I can’t imagine Mr. Willis pouring his heart out in bed with his partner, or being reduced to emotional tears as his partner makes love to him. No, Sir. Bruce Willis would simply fuck his wife, take her to heaven and back while he himself remains untouched. When done, he would dress up while she is still in bed, wiping tears from her eyes, knowing that all her entreaties would be useless. Then he would walk out into the night with a heavy heart but a steely determination not to look back and be distracted from whatever it is that alpha males do once they walk out of the bedroom door.
Or like Johnny Depp?
More recently, men have started to get more in touch with their inner selves when it comes to sex. Indeed I know several men who consider themselves as equal to their partners in the bedroom. He has his needs, his desires. And these include proximity, touching, and (horror of horrors!) even laying in bed for a long time to simply cuddle and talk. Both Aliki and I consider the latter as the most essential activity in our sex life, and possibly, of our entire relationship.
The sexually liberated male does not only enjoy a blowjob (which we do!), but is also moved by the loving look of his partner as she rides him softly. He is as comfortable spanking his wife as he is at ease being pegged by her.
In line with the previous Hollywood analogy I call this the Johnny Depp character (Johnny Depp in movies not in real life, of course!). You’re free to pick any other actor of your choice, be it Hugh Grant or Orlando Bloom. Not a macho but not less manly. Masculine but in touch with his feelings and sensitive to his partner’s needs.
5 characteristics of male sexual liberation
From our experience, here are 5 characteristics of male sexual liberation:
The courage to acknowledge your feelings
It takes a real man to know his feelings. Ignoring them only leads to frustration and misunderstandings with your partner. And this is as true for your sex life as it is for your daily life. And please note: I am referring to feelings not instinct. The latter is what all of us are hard wired to do. The former is a distillation of several things that are both personal and contextual.
The awareness of your emotional and physical needs
Understanding one’s sexual and emotional needs is very important. I am not saying that a real man is a milksop who ceaselessly craves attention. But it is alright to follow your emotional needs: do you need your partner’s touch? Do you need to be more passive today rather than active? Your partner would appreciate these signals and it will encourage her to do the same with you.
The realisation that your body is a whole
Men often criticise women that they connect too many things, like yesterday’s supermarket argument with tonight’s willingness for a 69. That might very well be the case but, in my experience, men err in the opposite direction. We compartmentalise too much. You are one whole being. Yes, your boss’s constant passive-aggressiveness might influence your sexual life. So will your tiredness, your euphoria after your favourite football team’s victory and – let’s admit it- the fallout from the recent argument with your partner. Acknowledging all this is part of male sexual liberation.
The need for emotional security and touch.
I need Aliki’s touch. And not necessarily because I am horny. At times I need to feel secure in her arms when we’re in bed. I need to feel loved and understood. I don’t represent all men, of course. But I know for a fact that I am not alone in this. The need for emotional security is not solely the domain of women.
The ability to be “taken”
When it comes to sex, men are used to lead: we take our women and if we’re feeling kinky we like to role-play that we have paid them for sex. If we’re in the mood for softer sex, we pamper them and give them a sensual massage. All well and good. But we are less used to being “taken”. At times Aliki is the one who leads. She takes the initiative and I let her lead on -happy to receive. There are also moments when we pretty much reverse our roles.
I believe that sexual liberation allows men to experience a larger gamut of sexual experiences and discover pleasures previously unknown to them. Moreover, treating your emotions and your physical as one package leads to a more wholesome relationship in the bedroom. Of course everything should be in the right dose. As a good friend of mine told me: “There are times when I like being Johnny Depp. There are other times when I feel like Bruce Willis”.
It all works. As long as you are yourself.