Sexual experimentation | 3 (t)horny issues
Sexual experimentation consolidates your sexual space but can also be tricky at times.
Through Couple of Secrets we have often portrayed our experiences and sexual fantasies. But we wouldn’t be telling the whole truth if we gave -even unwillingly- the impression that our sexual experimentation has always been a road covered with rose petals. It hasn’t. Just as with all other couple activities, there is the very real possibility that, at times, it causes friction. The tricky part with sexual experimentation is that when something does go wrong, it conjures feelings and reactions much more visceral than an unfortunate choice of a restaurant or hotel. After all, it’s your partner’s exclusive attention (and genitals) we are talking about!
From our experience, these are 3 common thorny issues that a couple might encounter in sexual experimentation:
1. To plan or not to plan
Ok, to be fair, this is an issue that often arises in my relationship with Xander even outside our sexual life. Xander has a masculine, practical, almost military approach to planning. I, on the other hand, systematically and stubbornly resist planning whatever doesn’t absolutely need to be planned. I accept I have to plan professional obligations, after-school care, airplane tickets and all these overwhelming demanding aspects of life. However, when it comes to pleasure, I revolt: I want to do exactly as I feel like, at any given moment. If it were up to me, I would decide whether I’d go out half an hour before having to get dressed. Difficult to live with, admittedly. But, hey, I am not obliged to go out for a drink, am I?
When it comes to sexual activities involving other people or appointments in another country, you obviously can’t be spontaneous at all times. Xander takes the organisation of our sexual adventures at heart -as he does with all other common activities- and he is good at it too. Can you plan sexual appetite though?
Xander and I almost always feel like having sex together. Sexual experimentation is not as straightforward. Let me give you an example: just because I had the fantasy of trying double-entry two weeks ago while having sex in our bed, didn’t mean I still felt like it at the moment we had planned to try it. I was tired and bloated and cold and wet -and this last one, not in a good way. I got upset: I just wanted Xander and a hot bath and nothing else!
In short, the question is: to plan or not to plan? Which brings me to the second thorny issue:
2. To dare or not to dare
Any kind of exploration is about pushing limits really. Sexual experimentation will take you outside your comfort zone. If you don’t ever choose to be challenged, you will never try anything new. And this is totally fine, of course. But if you are after new excitement, you should expect some discomfort at times. Not too much; we firmly believe you should never feel disturbed in your sexual space or do things you don’t support yourself.
Getting cold feet before a new experience is totally normal. Almost invariably, there is a moment before every adventure that either Xander or I (or both) feel nervous. Overcoming emotional hurdles is actually part of the excitement. And the truth is that so far whenever we have taken the mental leap, we have not been disappointed. The pleasure and bonding experience have always been significantly higher than the initial inhibitions.
Does this mean that you should just push yourself? Always? Or only if you feel like it? How far are you willing to go in your exploration? And is there a limit to how much you should push your limits? Should all fantasies come true? Xander and I are not closed-door swingers for instance, even though we sometimes fantasise about it. We know we could go for it and that nothing would be broken between us. But it’s a limit we seem to not be willing to push. Are we being wussies?
Which leads me to the third thorny issue:
3. To talk or not to talk
This is a trick question. Because it doesn’t actually entail a choice.
Sex is a most intimate experience. Sexual experimentation with your loving partner is a most delicate issue. Strong as your relationship might be, there will be moments when you will be out of sync with each other. Moments that you’ll perceive a situation, a gesture or a move differently than it is meant.
Xander got touchy once because a guy at a sex party was kissing me a tad too passionately. Sex was not an issue, kissing was apparently. And the other day my heart missed a beat because Xander just reminisced about the time he went down on a woman we had slept with together.
Does it make sense? Not necessarily. But to your feelings the hurt is real and that’s what counts. And when you hurt, it’s easy to get angry.
Sometimes what will disturb you is totally unpredictable and completely subjective. You are entitled to your feelings. But there is no dilemma. The only way around hurt is to share it with your lover or it will pull you apart. Talking to your partner, sharing your fears and insecurities, setting boundaries together, discussing exhaustive (and exhausting) details, will not only allow you to feel safe but also to get to know your partner better. It can be tough and eat up a lot of your time and energy; it’s also what relationships are made of.