Are you a swinger? | Defining our sexual mindset
“Do you see yourself as swingers or not?”
Somebody asked us this question recently while discussing the benefits of sexual liberation in a couple.
The answer is both ‘yes’ and ‘no’. Swinging is sexual liberation. But sexual liberation -as Aliki and I live it- is much more than just swinging. It’s not easy to define sexual liberation.
Some call it a lifestyle. We like to call it a mindset.
Our sexual mindset
We are convinced that a couple needs to work proactively to keep the sexual relationship alive and lively. Sexual frequency doesn’t have to diminish over time. Sure, there is a tendency for things to get more humdrum and boring. Sexual entropy, however, is certainly not an unavoidable fact of life. Sex changes, it evolves, I give you that, but this doesn’t mean that the bed has to grow cold. It doesn’t mean your sex life will thrive on its own accord either. Our experience is that the basis of a healthy sex life is open communication: talking openly about sex and sharing our sexual fantasies. This drives forward our sexual agenda.
Yes, that’s right. We do have an agenda.
“Some call it a lifestyle. We like to call it a mindset.”
Our sexual agenda
What is an agenda if not a coherent list of actions following a plan? Now, this might make a few people flinch. What do you mean a ‘plan’? You make your sexual life sound like a business transaction!
Not at all. It is just that we treat our sexual life just like the other parts of our relationship. As we have intimated elsewhere on Couple of Secrets, most people automatically understand the need to put effort in the mundane aspects of a relationship. Everybody communicates about the daily tasks and about their wishes and expectations. I want kids… I need a more exciting job… What about changing house? City? We need to go to the supermarket this week, will you do it or shall I? We share information, we learn about each other’s changing needs and desires. We are following an agenda…
Aliki and I do the same in our sexual life. We talk about it, discuss our wishes, any stumbling blocks we might perceive and the next steps to take. In other words, we plan.
The great thing is that we often do it in bed.
So, are you ‘swingers’?
We don’t particularly care to be swingers. Our agenda is to explore our sexuality together and to let it flourish. This agenda has created a space where we try things together and for each other. And this, in itself engenders a positive loop. Our sexual space.
So, on some days yes, we are swingers. But on others, we’re strictly vanilla. Sometimes we decide to go to swingers’ clubs and mingle. At other times, we prefer to meet just one couple and see where it goes. We like talking about sex with other people and discovering how they experience it. But, more often than not, our sexual plans include only the two of us locked in our bedroom: to role play, watch porn, try on new lingerie, experiment with sex toys and -perhaps the biggest turn-on- to fantasize together.
And then there are evenings when we were both tired and exhausted when we simply cuddle up in front of TV.
Our sexual life is so much more than sex itself.
Sexuality with and without sex
When we do venture out of our bedroom it is not necessarily to swing or to have sex. There is a variety of novelties to explore together. We love couple tantra massage and we try out new places together. We relish going for professional sexy photoshoots and, recently, I have discovered the pleasure of prostate massage in the presence of Aliki. And when we travel, we also like to experience the sexy and the sensual, be it strip clubs, cabarets or out-of-the-ordinary dining experiences.
Then there is sex itself and its kaleidoscope of moods and humours. Like a temperamental ocean, it can be rough and violent (although always respectfully and within limits), quick and horny, or tender and amorous. But just like an ocean, it is always powerful and deep.
All this is our sexual space, defined by our sexual mindset. So, are we swingers?
Photo credit: Couple of Secrets