The Queen of Chakras | What makes a good lover

Couple of secrets How to be a good lover Queen of Chakras

The Queen of Chakras | What makes a good lover

Men have sex with their penis, women with their brains. What we aim at is for both to have sex with their heart instead. We want to open the heart chakra of men and women for them to be whole during sex.

The tantra master was explaining the philosophy behind his life oeuvre. We were at his massage studio, with its imposing decor and atmospheric music playing from hidden speakers. This time Xander and I had an appointment for a massage for me.

The heart chakra or the fourth primary chakra is related to balance, calmness, and serenity. It makes sense that if it’s closed, your sex life will suffer, doesn’t it?

If you say so. It didn’t make sense to contradict him in his area of expertise. After all, I am a novice in energy flow.

The massage the veteran tantrist gave me was certainly worthy of his reputation. Just like with Marie, his touch was sensual and extraordinary. He didn’t do deep-tissue massage. It was rather the way he kept soliciting my interest and suffusing his movements with ‘professional affection’ that made the experience unique.

What makes a good lover?

It made me wonder. What makes a good lover? I guess we all crave to be good lovers. We long to satisfy our partners, even if it’s for a one-night-stand. We take pride in seeing our partner moan with pleasure. It’s a reflection of our skills; it turns us on, it gives us pleasure.

So, what is the sine qua non of a good lover? The question is partly misleading: it doesn’t take into account one’s feelings, the feelings that one has towards his/ her person of desire. What feels good, is to be with the person you want, irrespective of his or her particular performance.

But surely there must be some universal characteristics that a good lover must have. Why is it that some people seem to be more talented in lovemaking? What sets them apart? What makes them so desirable? We have often found ourselves talking about this with Xander.

We have not come to a definite conclusion, probably because there is none. But I am sure that, besides skills, proportions, and beauty (which frankly can only take you so far), what makes lovemaking with a person special is the contact they manage to establish with you.

I don’t think that it matters if a lover is technically imperfect, although some mastery of technique is a must. What matters most is that they open their heart chakra for you: touching you like they have longed to touch you forever, looking straight into your eyes as if they understand you, following your cues to grant you intimate pleasure. Taking you the way you yearn to be taken. Showing you they care.

Once a good lover, always a good lover?

This begs a question: is authenticity a prerogative of a good lover?  And then, the next logical question is: can one be, in all honesty, and sincerity, a good lover with any partner? Is it a talent, which one can apply universally to everyone?

Perhaps being a good lover is like being a good listener: a talent nature gave you -or you took care to develop. And since you are a good listener, you listen to everybody who is craving for an attentive audience. Or is a good listener only able to ply his trade with the people that matter?

In other words, are universally good lovers just.. erm.. fake? I understand -partly- the role of the tantrist: he is like a psychologist of sorts, making a living out of applying his talent to touch (or to listen) and heal. But if this is just your style in bed, are you being true to yourself? And how do you know when somebody really matters to you?


During the massage, the tantrist kept coming back to look me in the eyes. To place a peck on my lips. While I liked the sensation of his lips lightly brushing mine, I didn’t care to kiss him properly. And when I finally did, very briefly, it was only because I felt it was the polite thing to do. Xander was not amused.

It took you a long time, but your yoni finally opened towards the end. You just needed more time.” was the tantra master’s verdict afterwards.

Oh, I don’t know about that. I mean my heart chakra might be slightly clogged. But what I know for sure is who it belongs to and who has the key to it. It does not open for anybody. There is a difference.

Photo credit:  Reid Zura on Unsplash

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